Philanthropic Kleptomaniacs
by baldbunnies
Summary: They're out to get you...Save yourself while you can. What happens when really really strange things happen to really really strange people. You know you want to love us...the puking pumkins. P.S. Title has nothing to do with story.


**Compliments from the regurgitating calabazas…**

_When life gives you lemons, you take those lemons and chuck them back at life's head…_

_Yet, when life gives you Kool-Aid mix, life's full of choices. _

_Eat it,_

_Drink it,_

_Or Sniff it._

Chapter One:

Somebody once told me the grass is greener on the other side. But, I tend to doubt that. I think it's greener where it's watered, and they don't water it much on the other side. How do I know? You might ask…

It's when Muggles like us get sucked into the magical world, baby. This is how it all began…

"Gha, I hate school!" Opal said with distinct disgust. She was walking down the hallways of one of the most prestigious schools… Whatever it was a lousy public education facility, or so they called. But those few called it 'the underworld.' Or for long 'the depths of the underworld.' Those few included the small raven-haired female freshmeat, scuttling beside her taller older WISER equivalent, which happens to be blonde. Dude, that kind of contradicts itself. I mean blond, wise, see told ya it didn't make sense.

"Amen sister!" was the extremely freshman-like response. The blonde broke out in song in the middle of the stampede of hungry pupils. Creating a rather grand circle around her –cough- talented –cough- singing? Yea…

"I-I-I! H-A-T-E! S-C-H-OOOOOOOO-L! IT- REAA-AALL-Y! B-IIIII-IIII-IIIIII- TES-ah!" people began to crowd around as she twirled and shuffled around, flinging her bag into Mistle's stomach. She continued in a semi-rap.

"Oh no…" Mistle, the raven-haired freshmeat, hung her head and clutched her stomach, it's not like she had any cushion or anything.

"What should I do, for you, you foo.

I can't think, I can't speak, when my stomach is growling.

But the cafeteria food is so foul…ing?

Saturday to Sunday I rest in peace.

Friday from Monday I eat fresh meat," she stopped and gazed a new freshman,

"No just play…ing?

My mind is in the sky, like pie, so high.

I've studied so hard my brain is fried. Icomeeverydayandmyonlypleasureismakinglittelfreshmenruninfright," she said in one breath looking at another new freshman, which was shrinking in immense horror,

" Just kidd…ing?" the freshman girl gave her an uneasy smile and beamed, Opal just shrugged and took Mistle by the arm and started leading her to the awaited lunch she craved.

One of the freshmen that Opal had looked at went to the other one and whispered to him, "Was it as good for you as it was for me?" supposedly, being talked to by a JUNIOR, was incredibly pleasing. Opal quirked an eyebrow and whispered to Mistle,

"Dude, they are talking about it like I had sex with them or something," she shook her head and shivered in disgust trudging onto her midday meal.

"Ewww, bad mental pictures, you just reminded me of a threesome! Ok, I lost my appetite," Mistle replied scrunching her eyes and putting a hand on her inexistent stomach. Opal hit Mistle on the shoulder and yelled,

"DUDE! That's disgusting! You're so nasty!" Opal had shifty eyes and scooted a bit away from her friend and clutching her bag.

"You should meet my cousin…" Mistle mumbled heading into the cafeteria and standing in line with Opal trotting behind her. Opal peered over her shoulder quietly and whispered,

"Hello Clarice," in her seductive voice making Mistle jump and drop her thankfully empty tray. She turned around and fumed,

"**Not. Funny**," she said glaring daggers at her friend and retrieving her tray and putting it on the silver barred counter. Opal howled in laughter,

"YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE! YOU WERE SO SCARED!" Mistle didn't reply, Opal settled down and got a tray for herself," No I'm just playing man, so who's your cousin? You _have_ a cousin?" she looked up in wonder and only was her attention caught when the lunch lady asked her what she wanted. Typical.

Opal had, of course, overflowed her tray with every article of the food pyramid. She had gotten her 6 servings of bread, literally, 2 servings of vegetables…or just plain green stuff, 2 of "fruit", also known as processed pigs feet with artificial flavoring, 2 of her dairy or chicken, 2 of plain protein loaded with 67364375375375375375…of her daily fat. Mistle looked at her own plate, then did a double take on Opal's. Her eyes widened and her mouth, agape.

"WHAT? It's part of my evil plan against the communist plot scheming stuff that our literature teacher is involved in like the CIA or Secret Service you know?" They had sat down across from each other and Opal put her tray down and shrugged her shoulders as if it were the most obvious thing in the entire universe…besides what peach-flavored lollipops are REALLY used for.

Don't ask.

"And how does eating every slice of meatloaf and all the other food in the cafeteria relate to your evil scheming plot against Mr. Timoveyevich?" Mistle asked, totally and utterly clueless. She had begun attempting to spear her red cabbage, which was cleverly slipping its way out of under the heathen prongs of Korean fury.

"Have YOU ever eaten all these different foods together? I mean it's like a bloody atomic bomb! Geez people don't you know anything? And anyway I sit next to that Russian dude, I'm his 'personal assistant', and this assistant gets pretty damn gassy by fourth period." Said Opal, taking her first piece of lettuce and eating it slowly and passionately.

"You know if you eat like this, you'll never even get to fourth period." Mistle had already finished half her lunch.

"That's the whole point. They can't get me for coming into class late for eating. Right? So poor ol' Mrs. Clettery my dearest Physics teacher can go screw a tree for all care. I mean I've heard those things a million times. In that class you only have to be there the first class to understand. So I prefer to eat than to go to Physics."

"Ah, I see! So if I told you that she told me that she'd be giving the juniors a pop quiz today you'd miss it huh?" said Mistle looking over Opal's shoulder and smiling a bit then waving.

Opal turned and looked at this girl flip Mistle off with a face of 'whatcha looking at TWIRP?' then standing up and leaving to another table then changing her mind and dropping her tray in the garbage can and shrugging.

"Who the Hell…"

"That was my cousin, Winter, kinda cold wouldn't you say?"

"Quite… NO one treats my friends like that!" Opal stood up in a storm dropping half her food, and stormed out of the lunchroom leaving all the freshmen to clean up her mess, which they did with enthusiasm, she caught up with Winter and stood in her path.

"Move it Junior!" She said trying to walk around her. But, Opal just blocked her again. "I said MOVE IT!"

"Make me!" Said Opal with a smirk.

"What are you gonna do beat me up?" Winter replied in a mocking sort of tone.

"I could."

"You and what army!" she scoffed.

"This army!" Said a few voices behind Opal. They both turned to see the whole freshman body behind Opal.

"Holy Shit!" Cried Opal crouching behind Winter.

"Dude, this reminds me of Harry potter!" said Winter in a very monotonous tone.

"How, this never happens in Harry Potter?" Opal was quite confused.

"No, but it sounds like something that would happen in Hogwarts… YOU'RE A HARRY POTTER FAN?"

w00t!

"Of course!" opal replied as in 'DUH!'

"I think I just made a new friend, I'm Winter!" she said smirking.

"I know, Mistle told me." Winter made a face but brushed it off quickly.

They walked off together. Talking about Harry Potter and the Weasley Twins. Mistle and Caroline ran out and looked around.

"Where'd they go?" Asked Caroline, a red headed senior who was a bit out of her mind.

"That way," informed a young freshman.

"Thanks." Both girls ran to where he said expecting any minute to find the sophomore and the junior pulling and punching at each other. But, it proved hard because they never saw them punching and pulling, but laughing and chatting.

"OK?" Said Caroline looking at Winter.

"Opal, you can make friends with anyone," sighed Mistle

"NO only when they're Harry Potter fans." Opal replied grinning ear to ear.

"OHHHHHHHH!" said Caroline. "I'm a Harry Potter Fan."

"Join the club!" said Winter being a bit warmer than usual.

"You wanna join too Mistle?"

"Who's Harry Potter?" Mistle asked quizzically

"YOU HAVENT READ HARRY POTTER?!?!?!?!" Yelled Opal and Caroline together.

"Figures." Said Winter. "I guess we'll have to do something about that. Wont we?" she said a bit mischievously, like Mr. Burns mischievously.

"SO!" Said Opal. "First, we'll let her see the movies, then the books. Yes that's the plan."

"Perfect. Today at my place at sixteen hundred hours." Caroline said with excitement.

As soon as this was said the ever so on time bell had rung and the crowd began to move swiftly once again. The girls all turned to each other and saluted, spinning on their heels and all heading in different directions. Opal had returned to her pile of edible food still sitting on the table in the empty cafeteria. Mistle and the others dutifully turned to their classes, unfortunately.

The girls had gone through quite a rough day after they had parted their silly ways. Opal, for instance, had returned to eating while her Physics class was in course. She had taken her not-so-precious time and grinned when lunch lady glared at her and finished her atomically configured bomb in her stomach. It kind of bulged.

She then went to the end of her physics class, where she did have a pop quiz. She loved having the last desk near the door. She looked through the quiz and answered the questions she could then nudged the person next to her who gave her the answers to the last three questions of a five question test.

Then she went to Spanish, which was the easiest class for her, and then she went to computer with her class. Then she finally felt the atomic bomb wanting out. She walked into Literature and sat at her usual spot.

By the end of the class the teacher was in the nurses office with some serious poisoning. "SCORE!"

School was dismissed because dear Mr. Timoveyevich was also the PE teacher. This earned Opal a few good pats on the back.

Mistle, being a freshman, had the easiest classes. At the end of the school day she went to Opal. "So what is this Harry Potter all about?"

"HaHa! You'll see!"

Opal and Mistle walked to Opal's house together, Mistle lived a few blocks away…

Winter got busted for trying to insert the eraser of her pencil into the left nostril of the class bitch. Which did work quite well because it instantly started bleeding, so she had to go visit Mr. Timoveyevich at the nurse's. Winter was sent to the Principal's office just to be able to outsmart him once again, which is kind of sad.

Caroline just chilled half paying attention half drooling on her books. Until it was time to go. She hurried home and fixed the movie and made popcorn and bought some pop and waited for the rest to come.

This didn't take long, for the three girls came right after she had finished pouring herself a glass of Coke.

Ooooo…bubbly.

"Ready girls? Lets Watch Harry Potter."

A few hours later…

By the end Mistle had decided that her favorite character was Draco Malfoy, and in a close second Remus Lupin.

"Nu-u, the twins are the coolest, no questions asked." Said Opal.

"NO, that is so not right, the best is Ron Weasley, he's the coolest. So there!" Said Caroline.

" I still believe that the main character is the coolest." Said Winter.

"What I would have expected you to think the coolest is like Lord Voldemort!" Said Opal seriously.

"OK, I'm a bitch but I'm not that bad." Winter retorted.

"Whatever, you like totally flipped her off at lunch." Said Opal annoyed.

"So, she deserved it."

"NO, she didn't…Hey have you ever kissed someone?"

"What?????" Said Winter taken aback.

"I have…" Caroline started, and then giggled at the surprised looks they gave her, "not!" She sighed and looked rather despondent. "My sister says that the first kiss sucks, though, like, REALLY nasty."

"Figures," Everyone looked depressed for a minute. The girls spent the rest of the evening arguing about the characters and their speculations. Mistle was utterly lost.

"Draco and Ginny," Caroline blurted out in the middle of the "Ron and Hermione" comedy they were imagining.

"WHAT?!" screamed Opal far too loud and left Winter on the floor covering her ears.

"Take some medication and get a therapist for that, man…" Winter rubbed her ears and scrunched her eyes.

"For what?" Opal said inquisitively.

"For that horrible shrieking thing you do."

"Cover your ears. You don't have to listen to it, you know."

"I did and I can't not it I don't know when you're doing it. Next time you do it, warn me!"

"OK." Opal just shrugged her shoulders.

At this time Caroline finally woke up from her pensive moment and startled everyone by saying,

"YEA! Like multi personalities or something, like…DUDE! You're like a BANSHEE!" Caroline had the stupidest look on her face in which she was looking at everyone in awe…or something.

"Huh?" said Winter quirking an eyebrow.

"A banshee, you know that thing that screams and that Seamus Finnigan-or whatever is like totally freaked out by?" Caroline said this incredibly fast and barely audible, Winter just shook her head.

"You mean I'm green? And ugly? And have really nasty hair?" Opal said menacingly.

"No. Yea…and well, that's questionable…" Caroline said having no idea what impact she had on Opal.

"Winter,"

"Yeah?"

"I'm warnin'."

"Thanks." Winter covered her ears and dashed off as far as she could.

"WHAT??????? Did you say?"

"I said…" Caroline was cut off.

"No… I know what you said."

"So, why did you ask?" Caroline said in her whiny voice, which was almost as bad as the banshee yell.

"I'm not that ugly am I?"

"No," Said Caroline. "But, the hair is cool sometimes and nasty others."

"That's because I don't wash it. It looks bad when I don't wash it."

"That seems to happen often doesn't it…?" said Mistle.

"Gee, I love you too, Mistle. You are so supportive. Remind me to be as supportive next time Winter flips you off."

"OK." Said Mistle behind the big bowl of KFC covering her smile.

By this time Winter was already back and all three yelled together. "HOW DID YOU GET CHICKEN?"

"I ordered! And sorry to tell you but, I don't usually share."

"OK," said Winter and whispered with the other two for a few seconds. "OK, on the count of five. One…-"

Mistle got ready to run when Winter got to four. But she didn't have time. "FIVE!" Opal and Caroline pounced on Mistle while Winter went to pick up all the spilt chicken.

When the whole thing was over Caroline and Mistle didn't want to eat all the chicken that had been on the floor. "I don't want to eat any chicken that's been on the floor, that's sick." Said Mistle.

"Yeah, EW!" added Caroline, being incredibly supportive of course.

Opal looked at Winter raising her eyebrows and asked, "You up for it?"

"Hell, yeah!" and after a slight pause the two girls dove for the chicken. Before anyone could say 'chicken eyeballs for your toast' they had eaten the whole bucket, well almost. There was the last piece, you know, that last heavenly piece covered in lint. They both eyed each other before, in slow motion of course, they both reached for that last piece of chicken and pulling as hard as they could. They both yelled and clawed and screamed for the piece.

It was like this but in long elongated vowels and deep low manly voices…yes, you know, I'm from the department of redundancy department…you know…

"NOOOOOO, IT'S MIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNEEEE!"

"NOOOO, MIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNEEEEEEEE!"

"GIVE IIIIIIIIIT TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"IIIIIII WWWWWWWWAAAAANNNTTTT IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTT!"

"NOOOOOOO, YOU SHAAAAAAAANNNNN'TTTTTT HAAVVVEEE IIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTT!"

"GIVE IIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTT TTTTTTTTTOOOOOOOOOO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, MYYYYYYYYYYY PRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEECCCCCCCCCCIIIIIIIIIIOOOOOOOOOUUUUUSSSSSSSS!"

Except that last "precious" thingi, was in like a Gollum-like squeaky high mouse-like voice. Then all of a sudden the oil finally surfaced on the chicken skin, making it highly slippery and then the power of the two raging hippogriff bird-lion like female girls broke the chicken piece in half and started to fall, doing a strange:

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH-" then ended as so:

"hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" THUNK! Both in their normal voices and in normal speed of course.

While all this was going on the Korean girl, Mistle had gone to relieve herself.

"Awww POO!" said Opal rubbing her very painful buttocks.

"UH-HUH, that's where Mistle went, UH-HUH!" Caroline said licking her finger and pointing it in the air trying to catch the wind, ewwww.

"Oh, ok," said Winter then all of a sudden the two girls ate what was left of their poor grief-stricken piece of chicken and licked THEIR fingers but did not point them in the air to catch the wind.

Five minutes later…

"Dude was she constipated or WHAT?!" said Winter, still licking her fingers.

"Dude am I-"

"Constipated?" questioned Caroline.

"No sick, that chicken makes a hell of an atomic bomb," Opal smiled as the other two backed away.

"I'm gone," said Winter as she dashed out the house with Caroline at her feet. They reached the lawn and jumped as they heard a loud booming noise and watching the curtain flutter through the window.

"AWWWWWW SICK OPAL!" screamed Caroline as Opal opened the door and stood in a hero-like way with her feet apart and her hands on her hips.

"Behold, 'tis another great achievement for…what's my name?" she asked the other two who were still on the ground gasping for air.

"Opal…woman?" Caroline interjected.

"Yes, for Opalwoman. Wait a minute, what does that have to do with farting?" Opal asked helping Winter up. Winter straightened herself out like the antagonist-jacket shrug to do and muttered,

"It has EVERYTHING to do with it, EVERYTHING," she glared at Opal and Opalwoman glared right back.

"NOW JUST WAIT A MINUTE HERE YOU-" all stopped for Caroline said the smartest thing she had ever come to utter,

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Le sigh, I know.

The two girls whipped around waiting for Caroline to say something, this was a breakthrough, let the trumpets gleam in the air and blow.

"WE LEFT MISTLE IN THERE!" Caroline continued.

"Oh yea, did I leave a missile in there…" said Opal grinning and nodding her head.

"NO! JELLYBEAN!" yelled Winter at the top of her lungs in Opal's face.

"Excuse me but I think you should give me a warning too, and about jellybeans, I don't think I had any today," Opal said in a matter-of-factly way. As for Winter, she looked like a volcano.

"MISTLE DESMONDE YOU IDIOTS!" Caroline rushed in the house trying to fight through the invisible mist of grotesque odor.

"Did she just call us idiots?" Opal asked Winter.

"I believe she just did," Winter replied.

"There's some weird crap going on today, look up," they both looked up.

"What is it?" Winter asked shading her eyes from the sun.

"I don't know I just thought that if pigs were flying I would think that this would be easier to deal with," Opal said looking back at Winter and shrugging her shoulders.

"Quite right," Winter shrugged her shoulders then they both ran back inside and aided Caroline who was having trouble breaking down the door. Once they did what was there horrified them all.

An empty toilet with poop marks on the bowl, oh the horror. The girls gasped all at once and all together said,

"OH NO!" You know, it was the Black Bart and Desperados thing to do.

"The toilet hath swallowed her," Winter said in a very pious way, yet calm and putting her hands into a prayer position looking down then doing the catholic thing. Opal on the other hand…

"THE TOILET KILLED HER! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Opal broke down and began to sob on her knees; Caroline looked very pensive which was adding on to the weird crap that was happening to the girls.

"In the space-time continuum Mistle was transported to another time, another place. Where she, as herself, was thrown into another world, a parallel universe, at Hogwarts. Where at this moment she is getting out of a bathroom stall not zipping up her pants but her skirt, where she will notice that the zipper is not in the front, there is no zipper at ALL! Then she will begin to freak out, and adding to the horror she will walk in on Lucius and Narcissa making out. THEN-" Caroline had her finger pointed in the air, again.

"That was the lamest piece of information I have ever heard. I am now stupider by listening to you. Plus, that's impossible, Hogwarts doesn't exist," Winter said seriously, as if HER explanation had made any sense.

"YEA! THAT'S HORRIBLE!" Opal was still having a nervous breakdown on the floor.

In the end, the girls decided that it was not something to dwell upon and she must have done something to get out before the gas could kill her, even though it was far-fetched it was better than any of the other explanations…As in the space-time continuum theory with Mistle in Hogwarts walking in on some evil spit-swapping couple.

Which was in fact what was happening right about…now.

**Disclaimer:** Honestly, how many people actually READ THESE? WE DON'T OWN HARRY POTTER! If we did we'd be doing a lot more than writing fanfictions.

Wink Wink…Hint Hint…Nudge Nudge…Cough Cough…

**TO BE CONTINUED**…(insert twilight zone music here)


End file.
